Yesssssssss

These past two weeks have been stress on top of the ATTEMPT to be healthy. For some reason this has just turned to a huge stomach shrinkage, eating 6 M&Ms and feeling vomitous. Needless to say, I weighed myself this morning and I'm down 5 more pounds than I initially thought. The thing that angers me is this: This morning, I tried to take my mother out to breakfast as a nice mother-daughter moment before I let her down gently that I am leaving (unfortunately not on a jet plane) and don't know when I'll be back again. However, as I sat across from her at Denny's with my Moons Over My Hammy in front of me, I took 3 bites of the sandwich and ate about 4 french fries (these details are important) and literally felt like I could not breathe. I asked the waitress for a box and she looked at me like I was some type of Holocaust victim. It was all very unfortunate, as this food was delicious. I don't know what's wrong with my effing body and it's smiting me but it. is. great.

BUUUTTTTT. Before all of this, we went to the wonderful Mart of Wal and I dropped over 200 dollah on exercise equipment, whaaaaaaaaaat. Oh yes.
I bought the Gazelle as has previously been stated, and this thing of beauty which was only TWENTY FUCKING DOLLARS:



HOW IN ZE HELL! Look at how happy they are as they work their core. And such fantastic coloring, I'm completely mystified. I also had to buy a Fitness Magazine and a Shape Magazine and I justified it because I need to know what to do, but really...I just have a problem with magazines. I read PC World once and because it was a magazine, I was enthralled.
Also, it seems as though my head has somehow swelled. I have this hat that I wear all the time, and I noticed all of the hats at Wal Mart and found myself oddly GIDDY at these fucking pieces of beauty. APPARENTLY my head is huge. It hurts me. I did not buy a new hat and I'm still upset about it.
Alright, I'm over it.

That's really all I have to offer, but tomorrow night I plan on stealing a screwdriver or other tools that you use to screw things from my mother, to put together my new GYM. Oh yes. OHH YES. Okay I'm done.

For More #'s... please press 1.

Word... Tizotally lost like five pizzounds this week. WORD. And by 5 I mean 4, hence the title of the entry. I need to start exercising however... and I do believe I shall. Also, I swear I had something to say, but I do not. Except cupcakes, unicorns, puppies and kittens... cause seriously.

A Thing Of Wonder

I don't know if you know about this, but Tony Little is an amazing man. He rides on elegant undomesticated animals and it is such a beautiful sight.


You want evidence? Oh I've got it.




You might be asking yourself "Why the shit is Heather telling me about this buff dude with a terrible 'do riding a gazelle?". And I'll tell you why my friends: Because I am getting one of these awesome contraptions created by that man of wonder.

Throughout my teen years, my mother has owned what is known as The Gazelle. I like to call it Mister Fucks but that's only because there have been many nights (and mornings full of grace) that I have climbed upon this machine and lost my footing on the tracks. This problem seems minute, but trust me...it is painful (ly embarrassing. Luckily, I don't exercise in front of a room of people, full of judgment. I don't exercise in front of people at all because seriously...who wants that? Weirdos, that's who). I always wind up between the moving and immobile parts and usually this turns into an event lacking any form of coordination and lots of swollen ankles. HOWEVER...through these years, Mister Fucks has been there for me. Anything that you use for a solid 5 years is a good thing. You can't usually make relationships last that long and you usually can't even count on HABITS to last through the trivalent times of life. But Mister Fucks, he always provides.



I realized last night that I have money in the bank, and for a mere hundred dollars, I can possess one of these bad mother truckers myself.
So, within the week, a brand new Mister Fucks will be in my humble apartment and I'm pretty excited about it. I think it's a solid investment that will be awesome to move across the country with me. I'll let you know about the next time I fall to my face in a display of over-zealous gliding on this mystical machine.
Until then, good luck and peaceful ridings to you, my friends.

-Heather

Breaking a sweat (without breaking your coxix)

For many of you, exercise is prob not your strong point. This can be evidenced by your 30 lb. bench press and 50lb. stomach.

I have a few useful tips that will help get you stronger, leaner, and injury free.

Start slow!
Don't go "balls to the wall" on your first trip to the gym/run around the block. A healthy body is not made over night.

Your first week or two at the gym should consist of working each muscle group for 2 to 3 sets, of 10 to 12 reps, with a light to moderate weight.

When doing your cardio always do a 10 minute warm-up before cranking up the speed. If your treadmill has a heart rate monitor, use it! If you are out of shape you want to stay at 60 percent of your maximum heart rate. This is the low end of the "target HR zone". As health improves, you will eventually want to be in the 80 to 80 percent range.

[simple formula for calculating target heart rate zone: 220-age= maximum HR.

maximum HR x .60 = low end of target HR zone
maximum HR x .80 = high end of target HR zone]

EXAMPLE: I am a 26 year old male. First I will calculate my target HR. Next I will calculate my desired hear rate during cardio, based on my fitness level.

220 - 26 = 194 (My max HR)
194 x .60= 116.4 (target HR for me as a beginner)
194 x .70= 135.8 (target HR for me as an intermediate)
194 x .80= 155.2 (target HR for me as Titansfan27)

Do NOT work the workout the same muscles groups, with weights, on consecutive days.
DO get rest. Five days a week of cardio is enough. Work each muscle group, with weights, no more than twice per week. Exercise actually causes minor tears in your muscles. Rest allows them to heal. In doing so, your muscles heal a little bit stronger each time, which leads to increased strength, and endurance.

This should be enough to swallow for now. Please forgive me as I am not much of a writer. I hope that this makes sense. More to come, in the future. I will include some more detailed, and advanced, weight training routines as time goes on.

Counter-Points and Kidney Action

First I have to note that the last blog was a fallacy. A fallacy, I say. I don't enjoy anything with dark meat and I just came to the sad realization that I hate the form of the chicken nugget.

They look like fried turds and that's just not cool with me.

I know they did this white meat revolution to make things seem healthier, but I'm pretty sure that once you dip that batter into grease, it negates the mere idea of health.

I also happened to notice the sweet reminiscing going on in the comments to PeZ's blog, and I must say that the happy meals used to be the. shit. I would order a cheeseburger with ketchup only because I hate everything, and wouldn't be able to finish the meal. Those were the days.
Now I head to McDonald's and find that I really LIKE their salads, but I can't just have the salad...I have to have some fries on the side. I think it's alright because I follow it all with a deliciously refreshing diet cola and let's be honest...that makes it all okay.


I've found that stress and the attempt to eat healthier will freak your shit OUT. I have kidneys problems to begin with, and any change in diet is going to affect you in some way. But lately I've just been really ill and lethargic and I'm going to venture off into saying that stress and poor eating habits are the main culprit.
SO let me just say this: If you feel like you're having issues with your organs, probably go see a doctor. I have an intense FEAR of the doctor due to how many times I've been laid onto one of those fucking metal beds and had shit hooked onto my bodyyy, and somehow it never becomes something you get used to. Eventually you're like "oh yeah, there's a needle in my arm, whatever", as I'm sure is the case for most heroin addicts, but the bruise is still going to be there, my friends.
Doctors are important and I hate them for that.

I think my biggest lesson learned is that you really can't rely on nicotine and diet cola as a staple in your diet. You will not only become dehydrated very quickly, but your kidneys are going to shrivel up and somehow manage to shit in your retinas. It is not pleasant.
Those are some words of wisdom from me to you.

PeZ was definitely right. Water is really important and as much as that pisses me off, it's true. And over-exertion is never a good thing for your body, so be kind to yoselves, dudes.

In conclusion, berry propel is delicious and sometimes you can trick your mind into believe that certain drinks are what you really WANT to be drinking. Unless you're an alcoholic, in which case...the only thing that's going to work for you is one of those sweet keychains they hand out in AA. So I hear...

Okay this was long and I apologize but it is overrrrr now. Good luck guysss. You. Can. Do. This.

-Heather

Chicken Nugget Rebuttle.

Chicken Nuggets USED to be delicious... now they are not, everyone knows that. Chicken nuggets were a delicacy when you could find dark meat in there... now they are made of some cardboard animal, and the delciousness lies in the sauce. Also, the chicken nugget meal is the number 13. Now this may be because McDonald's has 3 angus burgers it's been peddling in California, but maybe it's also because they're just unlucky?

I have chosen to eat cake. Cake is delicious, and also celebratory, a great delight at the end of the week. I believe that it's incredibly important to eat the things you love, as for meals I am always sure to have vegetables, and to have a limited portion, regardless of how easy it would be to finish two portions. Water has also replaced soda and other delicious drinks in my diet, although I try and have one or two hear and there, as to not create a vicious downward spiral of soda drinking, I've found in the past that for whatever reason, even diet soda and sometimes club soda... anything with bubbles really, seems to slow the weight loss process and make your body cling to extra pizzounds.
WURD.

Cyanide Nuggets and Octopi

Holy mother of god. I thought it would be wise tonight to treat myself with some McDonald's because I have been ROCKING this fit club... but apparently the fates wanted it a different way.
For some reason, ordering the number 9 which I NEVER order, was a terrible idea. I thought how could I go wrong? Chicken nuggets. French Fries. Diet coke. DELICIOUS. But oh no. OH NO.

Maybe it's just been too long since I've tasted the delicacy known as the chicken nugget, but this specifically tasted like cyanide. I took one bite and fucking BAILED on the idea of fast food, FOREVER. Not to mention that those bastards forgot my barbecue sauce and without the sauce it's just not worth it. So not only did I just waste a good 4 dollars on a meal that I was pretty stoked about, but now I've got cyanide nuggets just chillin' in my trash can, with a side of DEATH and angst. Thanks, McDonald's. You've ruined my life for the last time. WE ARE THROUGH.

In other news, I've found that stress is great for a healthy lifestyle. I don't know if anyone else took the Stress Test on the Healthy Living Online site, but apparently I am at a dangerous level. I took from it that I am imploding ass with a side of octopus responses. The sweet thing about the test is that at the end, it tells you that you are dying and then lets you know what your response to said death is.
Mine is like an octopus. Apparently this means that I camouflage my stress and then reach out a tentacle in defense. In the end, it let me know that my stress conflicts would result in "stomach upset", because saying "upset stomach" is so Pepto Bismol. ALSO that I will become irritable easily and not be able to sleep.

All of this is true. Except the part about tentacles, but how awesome would it be to have LITERAL tentacles? I'd like to think I could slap people in the face with these things and then have 8 hands for the drinking of the diet beverages. Oo la la.

Life as an octopus...luxurious.

I'll report back soon when the site tells me how to become a badger of stress. I'm hoping to maybe become a ferret or some other rodent-like animal with a lingering smell.

Let me know what you all get and we'll hopefully work together to tackle this stress issue. I think my first attempt will be sleeping a lot and randomly doing jumping jacks for self esteem. I'll let you know.